Thursday, 20 September 2012


Firstly, I think it must be noted that our baby is an angel.

She's got a halo and everything.
Yes...that's a gym ball. No, we don't use it. Ever.
Soundtrack to this post: Hillsong's 'Aftermath' album.
I find quite a lot of their stuff annoying because sometimes it's a bit 'Jesus is my bestest buddy and he gave me an ice cream made of my dreams ooooh fa la la', but this album is actually full of depth and longing and struggle and relief. It gets me. But not track 2.

This week has been a good week, in that I stopped sulking like a little biatch. This has not been down to my own resolve or grit, but because of shiny distractions that make me forget my AHEMsorrowsCOUGH. I'd like to say that I saw the suffering of the orphans here and got some perspective, but twould be a lie. I'd also love to be able to profess some mountain top experience of God's plan for my life as revealed by a hundred cartwheeling angels covered in sprinkles, but i've barely even prayed since getting here and wouldn't notice confectionary nephilim if they banged me about the head with a harp.
(Are nephilim angels? What are they? Have apparently not read large chunks of the Bible.)

What am I going on about?
Oh yes. How this got easier.
Not 'cos of me. And not because I sorted out my (appalling) attitude. Am still completely struggling with feelings of loss and grief over all my loved peoples not living in Vinnitysa. Stupid people not living in Vinnitsya, get over here. Stop living in Lewes/Brighton/London/other countries. Stupid other countries.
Anyway (sorry, i'm tired and it's late and I am addled like the scrambled eggs the chickens have stopped laying. Sodding chickens), so even though i'm still very sad about missing people, something has shifted in my heart and now I quite like it here.

I think that might be God. Rescuing me from me.
Rescuing me from my fear by changing the people and situations around me. Everything i've panicked about since getting here has got easier. Some of that stuff isn't exclusively my story and thus would be rude to share, but here's one example:
So was sitting in this massive house, having cleaned all day and cooked all day and hosted all day and juggled my angel halo baby who was not behaving as such...and realised that this is my life now. I'm a housewife. A housewife in Ukraine, which is slightly more edgy but not really. I have an apron. With a chicken on it. And while that's funny it also gave me a meltdown brain because I have passion and fire and rage - and being a housewife is great if that's what you want but it has never, ever been my aspiration. Am stroppy.

I never really minded about getting married or having babies but I have always wanted to be like Jackie Pullinger.

Not feeling like Jackie this week, arms deep in yet another apple crumble.

Had a rant. Poor husband. Something like 'how the hell is this my life? I followed God here  and I thought I was called here but I care about women in the sex industry and I live in a field. I should be in Kiev, or Odessa, but i'm here and i'm confused'. Boo hoo sob me me me and my dreams ME.

That weekend a couple from the Kiev base came to stay. Have never met them before, don't know them, hosting them cos was asked to.
She runs the justice DTS that does outreach in the sex industry as well as raising awareness and rescuing people. She knows the person from A21 who has the materials and contacts I would need to go into schools and orphanages. I can pioneer this work here.
I feel better.

My point is this: i'm safe. Safe from despair or from hopelessness or from emptiness. He has got me. He knows. He cares. He ignores my crappy resentment, my angry selfish tears, my fear that i'm feeling because i'm refusing to trust him and he is doing this with me - orchestrating things to make me feel better.
So I do.

p.s. coming home for 2 weeks. In 6 days. John's got an op. Can't be bothered to explain how I feel about this but...see you soon! 

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