'Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders,
For I am yours, and you are mine'
I start every blog entry with 'so' and I think it's because I'm too scared to pause before I start writing, preferring instead to hurl self at blog entry without checking self. The result: semi coherent transfer of thoughts from brain onto computer via fingers and the only word able to carry the words over is a so.
So. To continue my thoughts and write them down as I think. So.
Driving about in the van this week John said something about heaven. It was very profound and rather deep and I have absolutely no idea what he said, all I remember is that it made me think I'd like to write about heaven because it reminded me that heaven is important. Sorry hubby, but hey at least you know you inspired me. Inspire me, rather. Daily.
As Christians go I'm not very good at remembering about life after death. I'm so captivated, entranced, galvanized by the things that Jesus said to do this side of dying. Zealous for his world to be transformed by justice, obsessed with living in a way that honors Him, passionate about living this life to the full.
He said 'if you love me you'll obey my commands, and my command is this, that you walk in love'. Is there anything more simple or beautiful than that? Is there anything more difficult and broad than that?
I believe that it's the Holy Spirit in me, the 'God bit' of me that howls in rage when this world destroys innocents. I know that it's my faith that makes me who I am - somebody who thinks it's important to stop suffering, to house and love the orphan, for example. I am certain that without Jesus nicking my life ten ish years ago I would be living a selfish, empty life and would not be changing the world in any way.
My relationship with God, my 'Christianity', has no problem with the focus on the here and now. I fully understand that to preach the gospel with my mouth while withholding rescue from those in pain is obscenity. Me and the social action part of the gospel are buddies.
When I was at uni my friend asked me if I'd gone to see the Passion movie. I hadn't, but she told me to, so I did. Afterwards we were sitting in the pub and talking about my opinions (my favorite topic, obviously) and she isn't a Christian so the whole Jesus movie thing was an interesting topic. At one point she asked me 'do you think you're going to heaven?' and I nonchalantly said something to the affirmative. She looked at me like I was a moron for giving such a blithe reply and said something like 'if only I had that'.
My nonchalance was bred from an upbringing in Christian land, from knowing from childhood that God loves me and wants me to be with Him forever. That I don't have to go to hell because of Jesus and what he did to rescue me. It's always been the backdrop - that when I die I go to heaven.
I was taking, and still take, this for granted.
And I was clueless, an idiot, in the face of such huge human condition questing.
When every religion is set up to enable this, when it's all about how to get there and not go to the bad place, when thousands and thousands of years of history reveal our fear of death, I sit with my vodka orange and casually grunt that yeah, I believe that I'm going to heaven. Ridiculous woman. This is not a small deal, this is massive. When did it become uncool to get excited about heaven?
I'm going to abandon any ill fated attempts I ever made to pretend to be cool and get excited now. What is heaven?
The Bible says that God will wipe away every tear. Everyone who cries now, every sadness, will be personally comforted by the One who made us, loves us, rescued us, holds us.
To be in a place where my sin, my selfishness, can't break things anymore?
Oh this is so hard to articulate, this longing in my heart for home. This tucked away joy for later, for ever, this promise that it's all going to be so much more than ok. This thing that if I look at it I have to swerve because it's too much for this feeble brain of mine to grasp. This hunger for intimacy and wholeness that's held in the certainty of satisfaction, that one day all the holes in my heart will be full. To know that there is nothing that can rob me of Him, of all the joy without all the pain. Untainted. God.
To be without struggle, to be free from the weight of my self obsession, to have every question answered. Every question answered, for now we see darkly but everything will be revealed. Every why or where were you or how could you. All of it, laid to rest, at peace. To know and to understand.
To finally have everything in perspective, to be gazing at Him and to know my smallness and to be relieved. To stop trying. To be loved and to be able, finally, to love without sin blackening my heart's efforts.
To have every hurt smoothed away, irrelevant.
I am a Christian. I know that Jesus helps me now, that the Holy Spirit strengthens me now, and that God the Father loves me now.
I am a lady called Fritha. I know that I am not capable of living without sinning, that as hard as I try, or more often don't try, I will screw up. I will hurt the people that love me, I will not be a perfect mummy or a perfect lover or a perfect friend. I am messed up. I am a human being.
And it's ok.
It's ok now, because Jesus is helping me.
And it's going to be so beautiful then. Forever. For all the evers.
So as much as this life is all about the orphans my heart is listening, distracted, to the songs of the angels.